The
start of preschool is a milestone that's often anticipated with great
excitement and joy, but also with lots of crying, uncertainty, and heel
digging -- from both kids and parents! "For children, the main source of
anxiety around entering preschool is that they have absolutely no idea
what to expect," says Katrina Green, a certified early childhood and
early childhood special education teacher at the Just Wee Two program in
Brooklyn, New York.
"They
have spent the first three to four years learning the rules and
routines of their family life and they are completely unfamiliar with
the new rules and routines they will encounter. For parents, the main
source of separation anxiety is worrying that their child will feel
abandoned." Read on to learn the best ways for you and your child to
ease the separation anxiety and to successfully start this new adventure
-- together and apart!
Be Consistent
Many
moms may see their child have a bad first reaction to preschool and
immediately decide to pull him out of the classroom. But that's a bad
idea: "It denies the child an opportunity to learn how to work through
negative feelings and sets a precedent of not having to face problems,"
Green says.
Instead, consistency is key when it comes to making
preschool a part of your child's new routine. Simply going together on a
regular basis will provide your little one with a strong sense of
anticipation. Keep your goodbyes short and sweet so that your child
knows what to expect but doesn't prolong your departure. When you pick
him up at the end of the day, reinforce the idea that you came back,
just like you said you would. This way, each day's drop-off won't feel
like you're both starting teary and upsetting goodbyes all over again.
Get the Teacher Involved
Ideally,
your child's preschool teacher will be a warm, caring, and experienced
individual who can anticipate her students' needs. But since she is new
to you, too, brief her with necessary information that will help her and
your child get to know each other better. "It's helpful for me to know
as much as possible about a child's home life in order to ease their
transition into preschool," Green says. "Their eating, sleeping, and
toileting patterns are just as important as knowing their favorite
color, what games they like to play, or what songs they like to sing. It
also helps to know what techniques the family uses to calm a child down
when she is feeling upset or anxious [so I can] try to replicate those
techniques in the classroom." Be sure to let the teacher know about any
medical issues, such as food allergies.
Prepare a Comfort Object
Have
your child bring a little reminder of home to the preschool to ease his
separation anxiety and reassure him. If he doesn't have a favorite doll
or blankie, even a beloved book or a sippy cup filled with his favorite
drink can do the trick. "I had a child enter my preschool program who
was experiencing major anxiety," Green reveals. "In the beginning, we
encouraged him to bring photos of his family and items from home. He
filled an entire Whole Foods bag with toys from home!" Comfort objects
may seem like small stuff to you, but they can provide a real sense of
security to kids in an unfamiliar environment. "Children almost always
outgrow the need to bring a comfort object to school," Green says.
"However, children may feel the need for comfort objects at school (even
if they are separating with no problem) when transitions are happening
at home (such as a new baby, a move, or Mom or Dad starting a new work
schedule)."
Don't Sneak Away
It
might be tempting to bolt from the room, but your little one will feel
more afraid if you suddenly disappear. "Moms should never be ripped away
abruptly from their child," says Fran Walfish, Psy.D., child and family
psychotherapist and the author of The Self-Aware Parent. "It can
take up to ten weeks for a child to fully be ready to be left at school
without her mother." Dr. Walfish says. "The best way to handle the
separation process is to begin by Mommy going to school with her child
and sitting next to her. She should not interact with her in games and
toys, but rather be there as a safety net." Instead, develop a good-bye
ritual. This could be anything you and your child decide on, such as a
special hug or handshake followed by a "See you later, alligator!" Once
you've said your goodbyes, it's best to skedaddle so that your child
doesn't become preoccupied by your presence. Seeing her involved in an
activity is a good cue that it's time for you to go.
Avoid Comparing Your Child to Others
Don't chastise your toddler
and say, "Nolan doesn't cry when his mom leaves." "Honoring your
child's process is the best way to make the transition to preschool as
smooth as possible," Green says. Don't worry -- eventually your child
will outgrow the separation anxiety. "The child who never cries when his
parent leaves him may act out the scene over and over again during play
to process his feelings. Another child may need to cry at every
separation for a while in order to work through his feelings," Green
says. "It's okay to keep leaving the child if he keeps crying," Green
continues. "A complete and successful transition into school can take
months, especially if there are family vacations or breaks from school,
when children often regress, or if there are changes happening at home."
But in all her years of teaching, Green hasn't encountered one student
couldn't overcome his separation anxiety.
Resist Surprise Visits
Once
you've left your child, resist the temptation to go back and check on
her, and don't phone the school every hour. "If you're always checking
up on your child, you risk the reciprocity of your child checking' on
you constantly," Dr. Walfish says. "It is extremely helpful for moms to
develop a team approach with their child's teacher. This way, mom can
feel safe and confident that her child will be well cared for when she
is not there." Trust the teacher and trust yourself; have confidence
that you made the best decision and chose the best preschool for your
child.
Give Yourself a Pep Talk
Come
up with a mantra such as, "This is best place for [your child's name]"
or "Bringing [your child's name] here is the right decision" to remind
you of why being apart is good for both you and your child. Then, keep
repeating it as often as you need it! Kids can pick up on your mood, so
if you're nervous and anxious when you drop your child off, he will
likely take on your attitude. Remain calm and be upbeat, even if you
don't feel 100 percent cheerful. But if your little one does pick up on
your worries, just continue to provide him with reassurance. "Remind him
that you will always return and that there are people at school to keep
him safe," Green says. Always remember that starting preschool is a
positive step for both you and your little pupil.
